A Rescuer of Things

There's a quote I came across last October. It goes:

“You know what getting married is? It's agreeing to taking this person who right now is at the top of his form, full of hopes and ideas, feeling good, looking good, wildly interested in you because you're the same way, and sticking by him while he slowly disintegrates. And he does the same for you. You're his responsibility now and he's yours. If no one else will take care of him, you will. If everyone else rejects you, he won't. What do you think love is? Going to bed all the time?”
- Jane Smiley

I loved it the moment I read it. Shared it in a few consecutive tweets, too. When I got to the end, I kinda wanted to answer, "So, ummm, wait...what?" Lol! As a friend of mine said to me sometime last year, love alone isn't enough [for marriage]. And, whaddya know? Turns out that the make-up of the love itself might be different than what you had long envisioned.

All these things. (As a sis would say.) My thoughts turned to "these things" as I pored over almost two decades of writing the other night. Like, seriously. I'm gonna have to stop writing! ....... Hahahahahahahaha! I crack me up! Too funny! Okay. By that I mean... Actually, nothing comes to mind. Here's the thing. Perhaps I could just keep doing what I'm doing and, after a while, see what needs to go. Fast. And, unceremoniously. Because, well, I tend to keep it all. I'm gonna resist the temptation to list some of the things I've kept since nineteen long time.

I'm not a hoarder, per se. Hmm. Reminds me of a preview of "Hoarders" that was being shown repeatedly in the run-up to the broadcast date. As the woman in the clip cast a glance at the mountain of stuff in her house, she summed up her life's philosophy in this memorable piece: "I wouldn't say I'm a hoarder. I'm a rescuer of things."  Uh-huh.

My defence? I hold on to, and take care of, the things that mean a lot to me. Those "things" would include the pages and pages of thoughts on my friendships and relationships and interactions and passing fancies... When I came across the ones spanning about four months in 1996, I just knew that their retention period was up. And, it's not as if I had ever planned to have a retention period for these reams and wads and stacks of paper and books. I just figured I'd keep writing until I could no longer hold a pen or pencil to paper (including napkins, restaurant receipts...). What would family I'd have left behind do with the lot? No idea. I imagine, my life being spared, that it might be a good idea to put some instructions down somewhere. I mean, I still dream of becoming a world-renowned writer. In years to come, perhaps long after I'm gone, those pieces may very well become highly sought-after relics.

So, what caused me to ditch that batch? Quite simply, it was ugly. I felt like I was fingering a scar that I had somehow discovered a new fascination for. And, as I passed my finger over it, I couldn't resist picking at it then digging away at it. Like I was trying to figure out why and how I got that mark in the first place. And, for those twenty or so minutes that I dug and read - after a while I skimmed - I began to feel sickish. I no longer held it dear and it meant nothing to me now. There was no answer coming to complete the "I need to hold on to this because...". I did have a very ready answer for why it needed to go. There was no longer a place for such ugly in the beauty of the now.

There were no second thoughts. It was one of those things that, when you're doing it, or about to do it, you just know it's right. It's even beyond the realm of knowing to just being right. No long prayer, just time to act. So, I rolled up the papers, put 'em in my bag and took them to my workplace the following day. (Felt I needed to use the shredder that minces paper.) And, quite unceremoniously, I pulverized them!

After all, there are new things that are springing forth; new things for me to hold dear and take care of.  The beauty of the now shall be clutter-free. I gotta make room for the new things to grow. For, apparently, love is more than "going to bed all the time."


Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

Baby Love

There are several people in my life who are expecting. I've had the pleasure of sharing, in some way, shape or form, in their lives. It's one of the reasons this post will be a short one. This weekend was all about prepping for the baby shower for someone in my family. It was a surprise shower and, oh yes! She was indeed surprised.

Apart from her, my son's mother in Kenya is also expecting. Yeah. That'd be the mother of my sponsored child, Carlen.  He "wrote" to ask me to pray for his mom and for a safe delivery. He's a sweetheart. A couple of friends from church are in the family way, as well. One of them said her's in due in April. Well, I just hope she does have him/her in the best month of the year.

Like I said at the shower today, a quote I've used here before, "Babies are a great way to start people."  But, I shall leave you with quotes from my niece who just turned four. When we asked her to say something for the video (and longevity), she stuck out her index finger toward the parents-to-be and said, "You have to be careful with him, because he's delicate!" (She just got a baby brother.) And, the cherry on top? When asked what should they expect when the baby comes, "You should expect...love."



Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

Letter to My Daughters

My dearest daughters,

It is on a beautiful and warm Friday afternoon that I set out to write to you.  Spring is nearing a close; summer is almost upon us.  However, the very thought of your entrance to this world has long ago warmed the cockles of my heart - beating summer by a mile.  You have not yet been born, and, by the time you are both old enough to read this, you still would not have come to understand much of it.  Promise me that you will return to this letter, every so often, whether I am still with you on this weary sod.

I love you.  The first thing you will need to know about me; the simplest truth to understand.  These are among the first words that I will teach you. I love you.  Please know that there is nothing that I will not want to do for you, as long as it is in your best interest.  How do I know this?  First, the way I've envisioned showing you my love; wanting to make you feel the joy of being cared for.  I can do this.  And, I will.  Second,  I've learned from your grandfather and grandmother - my parents.   Know the saying, "Daddy loves his girls"?  I think it was coined off him.  And, it is said that parenting doesn't come with a manual, but I think my mother got the only copy.  Looking back, it seems as if she was born knowing how to be a great mother.  Me?  Not so much. I've had to pick up a few pointers here and there as I prepared for your arrival.  I once heard a friend of mine who had just had a baby describe her feeling toward her new-born as "the love that knows no end."  I could only smile as I pretended to know what she was talking about.  But, I believe I'm closer now.  I feel the time will be soon when you both enter my world - and I yours.

When you get here, as I'd hinted before, you mightn't take a manual with you.  That's okay.  Just know that I will do the very best that I can to take care of you; to honour God in the role of Mother that He will entrust me to play.  As much as I will try, I won't always get it right.  There will be blood.  Hopefully, no more than a few drops of it from bruises and scrapes.  If more, I pray that it will require no more than a bandage or two. If any of that is caused by my neglecting you for two seconds as I, say, step away to let the dog out - yes, we will have a dog.  Promise. - then, even from now, I'm sorry.

We will play - a lot.  Your father and brothers will join in, too!  Let's team up! I want you to enjoy your childhood and adolescent years and young adult years...I want you to enjoy every stage of your life - for all of your life.  There may be times when you will have to remind yourself to enjoy yourself.  Learn to love, laugh and really live, and those times will be few.

I imagine that we will have spats.  You will think I could not possibly understand the challenges of growing up and I will try to convince you that I do.  Be assured that I do.  True, the challenges and pressures that you will face will, in some way, be different than those that I did.  At the core, however, it is a struggle to do what is right; to be yourself and to please God.  You will be asked to define "right"; be tempted to do what others are doing; be challenged on who sets the moral standard.  Who knows what the world will look like by the time you can understand this part?  It continues to change before my very eyes, trying to dictate what is true and normal and healthy.  Know that you will not have to face those pressures alone.  Even now, before you get here, some might say I plan to open your skulls and pour me in.  That's okay.  I know you will be your own persons.  In addition, I am ...I will be your mother, and it will be my duty to raise you in the way of the Lord.  The course you take thereafter will be yours to choose.  My faith in God is important to me.  I pray that, in time, you will come to develop a personal relationship with Him, too.  That would be the legacy of all legacies that I could leave for you both - an exemplary life of love, lived for Him.

Girls?  About love.  The thing about love now...  Know that love is life itself; life is not worth living without it.  In its many forms, it helps to get us through this one-way journey.  I don't want to wax poetic or philosophical.  I just want you to know that, as simply as you will be able to understand that I love you, it will be as difficult to understand love.  I will not be able to love you in all the ways that you should be loved.  But, I will love you as much as I can.  There are other people you haven't met yet who will love you and care for you in different ways.  You will come to know the difference in those ways.  You will come to know the heart that lacks sincerity in its profession of care and the heart that genuinely cares about you.  Then there's the matter of being in love.  Hardly any other feeling of  joy and delight comes close to that which you experience when you are in love with someone.  Being in love brings out the best in you.  It doesn't matter who you are.  It doesn't matter at what age you are, whenever it happens, you feel like you're sixteen.  Love does that.  This love for that special someone spurs you to give of yourself and, while you give, makes you feel that it is okay to trust enough to receive his in return.  Allow yourself to be loved.  And, love thickly.  For, as Toni Morrison's Beloved asks, "What good is thin love?"

Sweethearts, I don't know how it will be for both of you.  Maybe you will fall in love later than you would have imagined.  Perhaps you will meet "The One" several times.  Maybe you will meet him in your late teens or your early-twenties or mid-thirties.  Whenever and however you do, I pray that you would not have felt the pain of more than one heart-ache prior to that.  A heart aching from unrequited love - especially a first love - is like torture.  They tell you that you have to go on living and that you will feel better in time, when all you know is that the one you loved reached into your bosom, ripped your heart out with his bare hands and smashed it into a thousand pieces.  So, you might feel there's nothing left with which to love another.  Not true.  Not true.  Hearts are not made of glass, my darlings.  Hearts are made of love.  And love grows back as long as there is life.  So does hope.   When they hurt you, some lovers might make you sad; some might make you angry; with others, you might just feel annoyed that they wasted your time.  That tends to happen as you get older.  Know what's funny?  The one that disappears, vanishing into thin air, taking away his friendship without discussing it with you.  Yes, that right there is a riot!  However, no matter what, never hold on to ugly.  Let such experiences make you better, not bitter.  Think that it were better to have happened then than later - before joining in the covenant of marriage.

I am happy to let you know that you will be born into our little circle of love.  Your father and I love each other and, though it does take work, we enjoy being married to each other.  Before we met, we each had pretty much given up on finding, not the perfect one, but, the right one.  When we met, he initially wondered whether I felt I could do better.  I was quick to reassure him that I wasn't concerned about doing better; I was concerned about doing right.  And he was right - for me.  When he came along I was oh so set in my ways.  But, he loved me into charting a new course together.  I felt like sixteen again!  It might have been old fashioned but, I held out for love and married for love.  And, it's been worth it!  I am happier with him than I was on my own.  Otherwise, what would've been the point, right?  I was told before - and learned quickly - that love alone is not enough.  But, love and friendship make a great start, which, when built on Christ the sure foundation, makes our bond gentler, happier and stronger.

"It takes a village to raise a child," says the old proverb.  When you get here, look around!  Once you get past the "paparazzi" Aunties, older cousins and grands, you'll find them a warm, loving and welcoming extended family.

Family.  We're going to be a family!  There's a saying, (you'll come to learn I love quotes :-)) "Babies are a great way to start people!"  I think you'll both be the start of beautiful people.  I can hardly wait to meet you.  And, remember, I love you.



Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

"I play for the other team"

I heard a guy say that on an episode of a popular TV show the other day.  I'd first heard the term several months ago while on a course at work.  A colleague made reference to a TV host  - how well he carried out his job - then made the comment in a "but-don't-get-your-hopes-up" kind of way.

Since the first time I heard it, it has become like the recently-bought-car phenomenon.  I figured, though, that perhaps it had been said pretty often within earshot before.  Only difference was that I hadn't yet been clued in to what the phrase meant.

It makes me wonder how far "society" has come in trying to come up with "a way to say it"; "it" being as much an operative term as "a way". Given one of my roles as diversity lead in my branch, within an organization ranked as one of Canada's Top 100 Employers a few years now; an organization that is committed to non-discriminatory hiring practices, I have been involved in organizing diversity and inclusion meetings and event-planning more than the average bear.

In one of those meetings we were informed about a glossary of terms that had been made available for quick reference.  This, in light of the fact that sometimes folks who want to engage in conversations about diverse groups, might feel awkward or unsure about using the "wrong" term.  The term might be outdated or not generation-appropriate or some such thing.

I've heard someone say that when he was much younger, a homosexual male would have been referred to as a "queer" by someone outside of that community.  At that time, it was deemed derogatory.  Nowadays, however, he noted that younger "gay" men  (a newer term itself) seem not to mind the term "queer"; as if their use of it is an effort to remove the sting that used to be felt by their predecessors.

I've also learned that the acronym is pretty long, as members of the - can I say it? - queer community seek to be included/recognized.  For a few years now, LGBTQ has expanded into LGBTTIQQ2S, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, 2 Spirited. 

So, when I heard the phrase, "I play for the other team" the other day, it made me wonder about how, in one fell swoop, the term helped to shrink the long acronym, convey the same meaning and, for some, made the idea easier to convey (read: more "palatable" for the older heterosexual generation).

Question is, as is the case with all other diversity, inclusion, multiculturalism, integration and like matters that are encountered on a daily basis, how easy is it to keep up?  Navigating your way through the PC maze sometimes proves a tad challenging.  You might feel like you're constantly having to walk on egg shells. You might decide that you're not going to subscribe to the PC thing.  The choice is yours.  Still, ladies and gentlemen, such is the planet on which we now reside.

Regarding the moral debate concerning homosexuality, especially as a Christian writer?  That's for another post.  Suffice it to say, I go the route of being Christlike - loving people, and knowing that no one is beyond Christ's life-changing reach.  And I say that from a heart filled with gratitude for that reach.

Above all else, love.



Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

A time for poetry

I do recall promising poetry on these pages, yes?  (Wrote this one when I was almost 20.)

Oops!

I was sure I saw it in your eyes

Heard it in your laughs

Saw it in your smiles

Couldn't have mistaken it

For anything but love.

Was so very sure of it

Could have put my life on it

It was pure and free and just enough.

Your actions were bilingual

For your words were very few.

You didn't say what I wanted to hear

But, I knew you had it in you.

Now, you have come and touched and gone

And your impression was deep.

The prints, erased

But the scars remain.

And tears fall incessantly

Like spring rain.

And I may just fall for you again

...I know me.

- Dnafcnatgada

www.cyopro.com

www.twitter.com/cyopro

Three questions about being “in the know”

(Talking about the individual here – not businesses/organizations.)

When was the last time you were online - not counting right now? How much time do you spend online everyday? If your job requires it, totally understood. If it doesn’t, how much time would you say you dedicate to surfing or communicating or researching? My guess is, a heck of a lot. (Not very scientific but, you get it.)

Imagine a day away from any Internet connection. You might still have your laptop because, like me, you just have to keep writing, having taken up the #NaNoWriMo challenge. But, I’m talking about no net! Now, what would you do on that day? (Without, you know, tearing out your hair or biting your nails the whole time.) How would you spend your day? Could you possibly enjoy it - especially if you were not on vacation?

DO I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING?
Between the Internet and the innumerable media houses – including electronic and print – there is the foreboding feeling that I have to know everything! “They” try to convince me that I simply must know what is happening in every country in every field with every head of state, celebrity and their children and friends and followers!!! And if I don’t know, then, to the rest of those who are riding this train, I am totally off track. "They" wouldn’t let me near an “intelligent” conversation.

But, like, seriously? All those sites that we surf and channels we skip and pages we flip through, what if we should consciously take in everything being thrown at us?! Jeesh! My heads feels heavy just thinking about it.

So, no, I don’t need to know everything. Certainly not that the couple showers together twice a day. No, wait! Let's see just how much info our Agenda-Setting media, who won't be bested by any ol' Tom, Dick or Harry with a cellphone, will be pushing down our throats about the royal-wedding-to-be! Sick of it yet? I think the sensationalism of "commoner weds royalty" has been downright diluted because, well, we've been through the Charles&Camilla saga. No lesson learnt from the hounding of Lady Di? What gives? And that was a time when information sharing, compared to today's real-time, was still in the Stone Age. No matter how glamorous some make it sound; no matter how sensational; no matter how cute; no matter no matter no matter. I do not necessarily need to know. I do not want to be consumed by it all and lose myself in the process. So, I choose. And I live with the consequences of those choices.

DO I NEED TO KNOW WHAT I THINK I NEED TO KNOW, NOW?
And what of those things that I do need to know. (Not even the “I’d like to know.” We’ve skipped past that. For some semblance of guidance on it, see above and apply as required.) But those things I need to know? How bad is the world going to turn out if I don’t get the news the very second it falls? I mean, really, can’t they wait? Well, in truth, some of them really can’t but, a good deal of them sure can! And that right there is a part of the issue. It has got that much more difficult, with the advent of info at the touch of so many buttons on so many instruments, to determine, beforehand, what is urgent and what isn’t. Not until you retrieve the info you know you needed, and thought you needed now, do you realise that, y’know? It could have waited.

AM I MISSING SOMETHING?
What am I missing while spending an inordinate and egregious amount of time online – in any shape, size or form? Life. Well, a chunk of it, anyway. Won’t know how much until later on, I can just feel it. Better shape up now, then. I did say “inordinate and egregious.” Because being online and in the hub of information hubs has become a part of the way we live. So, there’s no getting away from that. We’ve created this monster and now have been conditioned to feed it in order for us to sort of live without the stress we would not have had in the first place, had we not gone (this far) down this road. (And we will be going farther).

Here’s to those of us who maintain solid, healthy, beautiful offline relationships with people that we can hug and kiss and smile with and sing to every so often. Peace, beauty, happiness and love to you!


Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

I love birthdays!

I really do.


Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

Here's to you, Mommy and Daddy

Okay. Here’s the thing: I’d like to continue writing on the 8s, but, my Internet connection at home has gone funky. And it’s not like me to have an entry-in-waiting. I prefer to write on d-day.

So, the deal is that I shall still try to honour the commitment to the 8s. But, if I miss by a day or two – depending on whether it falls on a Sat. or Sun. – I’ll make every effort to make up for it on the earliest work day after that.

Yesterday (Nov.) was an absolutely lovely day weather wise and otherwise. My youngest sis and me had an impromptu dinner and a (home) movie. It was a sunny 16C and I enjoyed every minute of it. Well, except for the part where I had to do laundry – I hate doing the laundry, man! At the end, though, it felt good to have it all done and be stacked with clean clothes again. 

Last week, a number of milestone events happened. I got the first draft of the Statement of Intent done and sent it off for review by a couple of my former professors. That was a big deal for me – one of the few pieces of academic writing since I completed my Masters, but the one with the most weight, to date.

Also, (drum rrrrooooollll), my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary on the 5th. Zowie! No big mystery to the longevity of their marriage, though. I’m incredibly happy for and proud of them. God has really blessed them with everything needed to make theirs a long, lesson-filled, strong and good relationship and they’ve used it. They’re friends. And they’ve raised us within that circle of love and trust. They’re our friends and we are theirs, too.

Here’s to you, Mommy and Daddy, with lots of love!


Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

Dnafcnatgada: Only for the poetry

I've decided to share poems from my tweens to the now, right here. I'll try to resist the temptation to edit them prior to posting them. However, I shall also reserve the right to reproduce them in other media and edit, as I deem necessary. I learned much about writing while writing, over the years. The argument may be made about 'raw honesty'. But, there's something to be said for learning the right...well, on second thought (and you can tell I've started having second thoughts), we'll see.

Just about the time I'd started writing - poems, short stories, diarya-into-journal entries - I assumed the pseudonym "Dnafcnatgada". Lying in bed one night when I was about fourteen, it just came to me. Like, it was there for only me to take. And I took it. I still don't know what it means, and it still doesn't matter.

I use it only for the poetry.

Leafing through my (rather worn, yellowing and spineless) notebook tonight, I found this one I'd penned twenty years ago - give or take about two weeks. It's dated Saturday, October 15, 1988. Was I in love? I think so.

When I see you again

I came to see you today
And again, you were not at home.

When I see you again
I'm going to cry in your arms
'Cause I missed you so much.
And I'll tell you how much
I longed to see you.

But first
I will demand to know
Just where you were
And what you dared to place before me.
I would like to know
Just how much you value your time with me
How much you loathe the time without me.

But, after that
I will forgive you
As I always do.
When I see you again.

-Dnafcnatgada