I'm Not “Back-to-Africa” Black

I’ve had this poem in mind for a few months now.  Recently, sis asked whether I’d yet penned it. So, in time for February’s first post – and, please don’t get me started on how I really feel about Black History Month – here is:

 I’m Not Back-to-Africa Black 

I'm not back-to-Africa Black 

Now and then I still hear talk of

“Black people going back to Africa”

But, in that event,

Who would help me pack?

Moving is not an easy somet'ing

I should know.

I've moved to and lived in and worked in 

Three different countries now.

A whole heap of arrangements would need to be made 

And, quite frankly,

To call a spade a spade

I am way too comfortable

To go through all that hassle.

Remember “Seven Miles of Black Star Liner”? 

Who took into consideration the amount a wi who 'fraid o' water?

And would probably suffer from sea and other sickness

On the way to wi Modda

Land. 

Then what?

Although things and times have changed

Maybe plenty still holding on to that dream.

More power to them. I mean that.

But, for me, that's not my scene.

If more of us were to be honest

When faced with the question?

From the comfort of our Diaspora homes

We would say no to repatriation.

Don’t it?

Some may argue that my not wanting to go back is backward

That's okay.

No point in trying to convince them it's my choice

It's not up for discussion, anyway.

But, let me pretend for a second

That I were at all up for the journey

That I were at a crossroads

And someone was there to usher me.

I take it we'd be flying in

With people at the airport to meet wi.

My preference 

For residence

Would be Kenya

Near my son, Thoya.

If not, then west, in Ghana

Some friends from there 

Used to say they know somebody 

Who I fava.

And then I met their friends and

After the pre-amble 

They too told me that they knew people I resemble.

My response was always, 

"I have that kinda face."

Apparently, I'd fit right in – if for nothing else but like-countenance.

I wouldn't necessarily feel outta place.

But, I'd jolly well have more than

Like-countenance going on

What exactly would I be doing on the continent in this year of our Lord?

Would I be expecting "Mama" Africa

To take me under her wings?

Would she owe me anything?

Or, would I be expected to "bring back” something?

Would she even recognize me 

The offspring of those that left?

Beyond my look-a-likeness and skin colour

Would I be too bereft

Of pertinent sensibilities and a certain sense of self

Having only an idea of Blackness

To which I am supposed to properly relate?

But, having not had the “appropriate” experiences –

African American and such –

Just can’t?

Africa of yesteryear is, in many ways, no longer.

And, not if, but when,

She realizes I don't quite fit in

Like her other children

What then?

For both our sakes I'd have to seriously consider

Packing 

Again 

Relocating

Again

Back to the Diaspora.

Kraasiz!

(By the way, friends’ pictures of Ghana

Look like places in Jamaica

The… Step-Motherland?)

I’ve been influenced and shaped

By myriad frames of reference

Raised by parents – and the village

Standing on the shoulders of those strong enough to stand tall – 

And, even those whose backs bent a little –  

Under pressure.

To whom much has been given

Much is expected.

I don’t have to go back

To give back.

I am not back-to-Africa Black.

I am here

And, thanks to modern technology

Geography is now history.

Born in Jamaica

Living in Canada

Relating to my son in Kenya –

Kijiwetanga.

Blessed by the Almighty. Jah.

Selah.

-Dnafcnatgada

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Working at Relaxing

For those of us who are constantly on the go; the ones who are always working, working, working - for real, that is - it takes that much longer to unwind. Am I right or am I right? I told my friend Debbie that I am trying to "sit still" while on vacation. She didn't miss a beat in telling me that "they'd have to tie you down." Lol!

Reluctantly, but knowingly, I had to agree with her. It just takes a while to bring my thoughts to slow motion; to a pace where I can take a second look at each one and decide whether to entertain it. More often than not, even when I do not have the time, I milk a thought to its logical or illogical end. And, most of those times, it's about solving a problem. Imagine, then, when I have several problems on the go!

I use the word "problems" loosely. Simply, a situation that needs to be addressed and which presents more than one option. Because, that's essentially what they all come down to. The thing is, sometimes it's a matter of not liking the better or right solution. Usually, the better or right solution comes packaged with a longer waiting period; higher cost; more work/effort and so on. But, it is what it is. And, kicking and screaming or going gently into that good night, we eventually have to make a decision.

Being on vacation of course does not mean being away from situations that require clarity of thought, good judgement and workable solutions. But, thankfully, the day-to-day is different - mostly for the better. It offers a prolonged moment of not having to deal with the stress of work and commuting and the like. "Time away" is usually time spent - or, invested, if you like - with family and/or friends. If you do get away from it (and them) all, and, if you're "tight like that", you may find that your mind is constantly on it (and them), anyway. Ever get that?

I've been working at relaxing and trying to convince myself that it's okay, (no, really), not to have the answer for a million and one things; that no one really expects me to and I can de-clutter that space in my mind that stores answers for the just-in-case questions and situations. (As if you don't do that, too!) Nature abhors a vacuum, though. So, what do I do with the new space I eke out? Well, vacation-type stuff may arise. On the stress metre, those are at a manageable level. Outside of that, hardly anything else is of concern. Of course, there's always time for writing. I'm either thinking of writing or #amwriting. The biggest "problem" that presents is something along the lines of deciding what to title a blog post. ;-)

And that level of relaxation is okay. It's okay. No, really.



Claudia
www.cyopro.com
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"I'm going to be good to myself!"

There's quite a bit to learn from the lil ones, isn't there? Occasionally, I share a gem as uttered by my now 4yo niece. The other day she gave me cause to pause. Again. She got the phone from her mom and started to tell me about her day at school in Junior Kindergarten. Apparently, one of the other little girls - let's call her Mary - seemed a bit lonely. All the other children had, for one reason or another, left Mary to be by herself. My niece told me how she decided, "I'm gonna be her friend!" And, further to that decision, went to play with Mary.

My niece is one of those little helpers. And, I've come to realize that she is very compassionate and kind toward others. So, it was no surprise to hear her declare that evening, how she was also going to take care of her classmates, as well as friends from other classes. Yes, she has friends from other classes. Said she, "I'm going to be good to Mary. I'm going to be good to the other children. I'm going to change them!" I interjected, "You're going to change them?" "Yes!" She replied. "I'm going to change them and I'm going to be good to them! And, I'm going to be good to myself!" That caught me by surprise, I laughed out loud! But, it was a pleasant surprise. I was, and still am, very glad that she had not overlooked herself as one of those she should be good to. 

There we were, at the start of the year - they had just gone back to school - and, already, I'd received an earful. I'd also received an energizing jolt to help keep me on the right path, even if on the road less travelled.

I'm not in the habit of making New Year's resolutions. This year was no exception. However, now and then, since then, I recall her words and do a quick check: 

Am I being good to myself?

Claudia 

www.cyopro.com

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The size of the goat's bottom

Welcome to 2013.

I know, but, it's the first post for the year and it wasn't gonna happen before the 8th. ;-) Speaking of which, it's day eight, but, given all that's happened so far - especially in my fair homeland of Jamaica - it practically feels like we're halfway in.

One really has to wonder (as one channels one's inner Queen Elizabeth) whether the island of Jamaica means herself well. Of course, by that I mean, whether the people of Jamaica really want the best for the country for generations to come. Successive governments/administrations have made their mark over the years. The economists and statisticians would tell you that the ebb and flow of economic growth may be markedly aligned with one or other of the country's two main political parties being at the helm at x point in time. And, yet, some people - well, the majority of voters - intentionally chose the current crop of political leaders. On purpose! Is my homeland self-harming? Is there a kind of warped pleasure that she gets from shooting herself in the foot?

Now, as I continue with my (unusual) political harangue, there are a few things that concern me. One is the proclivity of some persons to be up in arms against someone because of an opposing political view. That is beyond me. Not only is each person entitled to his/her opinion, but, as my sis likes to point out, when a voter enters a voting booth in his/her constituency, he/she has to make a choice. Then, the voter dips his/her finger in the ink provided to show that he/she has already voted then runs along and hopes for the best. What is the point of being upset with another because that person does not share your political view? Sometimes I think some of us show up to have a battle of wits with persons who are unarmed - to borrow from that quote. Because, no matter how you try to reason with some thick-headed nincompoop on some comment boards - thinking it, no name-calling now - they just don't seem to get the idea that not everybody will vote for their choice of party/candidate or share their views. The minute you start disagreeing, they start attacking you vs. the points you're making.

Another concern is about the auto-pilot setting the country seems to be on. (Yeah, I read somewhere that prepositions are quite acceptable words to end a sentence with.) I've heard that auto-pilot term being bandied about in reference to the nature of the governance being meted out in Jamaica right now. It's quite apt and puts me in mind of this calypso by Gypsy - being sung about another Caribbean island at the time, but, oh, how allegorically fitting - and timely.

Hardly anything summed up the smashing and, already tiring, start to the new year like the New Year's Day letter to the Editor of the Jamaica Observer, Let's end our relationship, PNP, by sis @MizDurie. It echoed what so many were thinking. No wonder it went viral in a short while  - like the gift that keeps on giving.

Then, a couple days after, the Cabinet was referred to the Director of Public Prosecutions by the Office of the Contractor General - a commission of Parliament established to monitor the award of government contracts.

A few days after that, the Prime Minister gave an address to the nation, which is more palatable through this treatment by sis, published in the Jamaica Observer. Again, this treatment echoes the thoughts of many.

And, the very next day, which brings us to today, like the Real McKoy being revealed after the decoy, an article in the Chicago Tribune was brought to our attention: Jamaica's debt hurricane. Not sure how many people hung their heads in shame after reading it. I did. Here was Jamaica, a gem of the Caribbean, having produced so many greats, still producing so many greats, being held up as a lesson in economic catastrophe and "irresponsible stewardship".

There's a Jamaican proverb that says, "Tek bad tings mek joke" and another, "Tek kin teet kibba heart bun." The first means, essentially, don't let your calamity get you down. Laugh at it. The second, smile or laugh to cover up the heart ache. Jamaicans are resilient people with a reserve of courage blah blah blah. We are a resilient set but the country needs proper leadership and good governance.

The governing administration would do well to remember another popular Jamaican proverb, "Everyday bucket a go a well, one day di bottom mus drop out." The people will be able to take so much and no more. You know? This government has clearly taken up a responsibility that it is ill-equipped to manage. What a legacy! "The Greece of the Western Hemisphere" stamped across Jamaica. Lord have mercy. In the last general elections, power and position were fought for and won with weapons of mass deception. But, the Empress has no clothes and, well, as for the administration as a whole, I can hardly say it better than my favourite favourite Jamaican proverb:

Goat mus know di size a him bottom before him swallow mango seed.

All the best for 2013! Lord knows we're gonna need it.



Claudia
www.cyopro.com
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Sit Still

I'll save the what-happened-this-year for my prayer journal. Suffice it to say, I have been enlightened and blessed this year. There has been quite a lot to give God thanks for. And, I do.

I also thank you for reading these posts and for the kind words in your responses - whether here, on Twitter, on FB, in an email, over the phone or in person.

A verse of scripture has been nestled in my spirit for a few weeks now.  It pretty much sums up where the end of 2012 AD finds me:

Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall...
Ruth 3:18

It's not always easy to "sit still", but I try.

This time of the year also finds me in the lines of Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now and Tina Turner's version of Help.

Both Sides Now

Bows and flows of angel hair

And ice cream castles in the air

And feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun

They rain and snow on everyone

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow

It's cloud illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show

You leave 'em laughing when you go

And if you care, don't let them know

Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now

From give and take, and still somehow

It's love's illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say "I love you" right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange

They shake their heads, they tell me that I've changed

Well something's lost but something's gained

In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now

From WIN and LOSE and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now

From up and down and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

***

Help

When I was younger,

So much younger than today

I never needed anybody's 

Help in any way

But now those days have gone

I'm not so self assured

Now I find, I've changed my mind

I've opened up the doors

Help me if you can,

I'm feeling down

And I do, appreciate you being round

Help me get my feet back on the ground

Won't you please, please help me

And now my life has changed

In oh so many ways

My independence seems to vanish in the haze

Every now and then

I feel so insecure

I know that I just need you

Like I never did before

Help me if you can,

I'm feeling down

And I do, appreciate you being round

Help me get my feet back on the ground

Won't you please, please help me

***

It's good to step back or sit still - or something of that sort - and look at things from other perspectives; evaluate and, yes, even ask for help if needed. Then, act - fearlessly.

May 2013 be a truly wonderful year for you! Here's hoping that we will all find the courage to Do LIFE - Live In Faith Everyday.

Claudia 

www.cyopro.com

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"I propose to you that we get married" - in movie and in song

I imagine I shall be hearing my own proposal for marriage someday. You know? That day of the week that hasn’t yet arrived? Until then, I have come across these two proposals and have found them pleasurable.

Earlier this year, one of my sis drew my attention to the lyrics of the Bob Marley song Is This Love. I’d heard it over and over, but, this time, I listened. Big chune. Wicked proposal. “I wanna love you and treat you right… I’m willing and able, So I throw my cards on your table.”

Then, the other day, I watched the movie How Do You Know (2010). Out of nowhere came this heart-felt, heart-tugging proposal. A refreshing spring of sweetness scripted off my…self. He gets her. I get it. They got me. I’m persnickety; I over-think and over-analyse (I'm a student of literature. It is what it is); considered anal (as in anal-retentive - as in too much attention to detail. Little wonder that it’s the third word in analyse); have been called a perfectionist – by my mechanic! And so on and so forth. I sometimes think some find it a turn-off. But, someday (guess that comes before Wednesday; not to be confused with gettn-some day, which would be, like, five days a week and twice on Sunday. Hallelujah!) I will be his over-thinker and...and he will love me anyway.

Is This Love

I wanna love you and treat you right

I wanna love you every day and every night

We'll be together with the roof right over our heads

We'll share the shelter of my single bed.

We'll share the same room, yeah, for Jah provide the bread.

Is this love - is this love - is this love -

Is this love that I'm feelin'?

Is this love - is this love - is this love -

Is this love that I'm feelin'?

I wanna know - wanna know - wanna know now.

I got to know - got to know - got to know now.

I-I-I-I-I I'm willing and able

So I throw my cards on your table.

I wanna love you - I wanna love and treat - love and treat you right

I wanna love you every day and every night

We'll be together, yeah, with a roof right over our heads

We'll share the shelter, yeah, oh yeah, of my single bed.

We'll share the same room, yeah, for Jah provides the bread.

Is this love - is this love - is this love -

Is this love that I'm feelin'?

Is this love - is this love - is this love -

Is this love that I'm feelin'? Wo-o-o-oah

 Oh yes, I know

Yes, I know,  yes I know now

Oh yes I know, yes I know, yes, I know now

I-I-I-I I'm willing and able

So I throw my cards on your table.

See I wanna love you, I wanna love and treat you -

love and treat you right.

I wanna love you every day and every night

We'll be together, with the roof right over our heads

We'll share the shelter of my single bed.

We'll share the same room, yeah, Jah provides the bread.

We’ll share the shelter of my single bed…

How Do You Know  (The Proposal)

Al: I gotta say something to you, to the two of you.  I don't want you to think that the reason that we're not married is because I think anything of anyone else. It's because I'm 40 years old and I'm a failure... The reason that I never talked marriage to you is because I couldn't stand to see you, the princess of worry, weighed down by me and my limited prospects. Because I get you worrying, Annie. I know that a lot of people think that's a bad thing about you, but I know that it's because you have a great big heart and I love you for it. And then, I started to worry... about what would happen to you and this little hulk. If you guys wound up with someone who thought that your worry was umm... you know [Annie: Neurotic.] Right. Yeah, somebody, you know, who didn't get you... Who wanted you to feel bad about yourself, wanted to make you be more normal of a person, or wanted you to change, or like yourself more. You know... who didn't love ALL of you. Who didn't wanna leave great enough alone. And I thought that I...I could do that for you. That could be a legitimate, umm, function for me... in your life. So that allows me, to propose to you that we get married. I want to marry you, Annie.

Claudia 

www.cyopro.com

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Some things you don't see coming

Some things you see coming - like Christmas. All things remaining constant and predictable, things like sunrise and sunsets are pretty safe bets, too. If you throw something up, it will, more often than not, come back down. Unless it's caught. But, gravity is a law.

You see someone being horrible to someone else and you think, it's just a matter of time before what goes around comes around. Some call it Karma. Same goes for good deeds - the ones that don't go unpunished, that is. You see someone doing a random act of kindness - or a planned one - and you think, a blessing awaits. Yes, some things you see coming.

Others? Not so much. And, when the bad happens, the kind that "blind sides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday",  you just gotta do what you gotta do. In those moments  you get a better understanding of the stuff of which you are made; the stuff of which you are about to be made.

Thankfully, not all unexpected occurrences are negative or adverse ones. Thank God life has its pleasant surprises; those big and little unexpected gifts of goodness and beauty that come, it seems, out of nowhere. They far outweigh the bad. They come and they fill your heart with gladness. They put a pep in your step. They make you feel like you're flying without wings. "Funny isn't it?  How one moment can change a million after it." (Movie: How she move).

Moments like falling in love.


Claudia
www.cyopro.com
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