"Dear God, I Really F'd Up!"

This needs to be said at the beginning. No. I have not lost it. And, no, I am not losing it. But, before I get into what brought me to that title, I'll share a few quotes that have made an impression on me.

"I don't do performance poetry, so the words matter." - Elka, poet 

"I may already be dead, just not typed." - Harold Crick, Stranger Than Fiction

"He wooed her with words and he won her. He had nothing but words to woo her." - Lorna Goodison, poet

"Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words." - C.S. Lewis

Words work. Use them. That's a belief I have long held. So much so, I started a blog in about 2004 under that title. But, I did not maintain it. It had not started "hurting bad enough" yet. I like expressing myself in writing. I like to read and widen my vocabulary. I like to meet upon new words and spend the next day working them into sentences. I have a Dictionary app on my phone and the web site is saved in my favourites. Of course, I do consult other sources, but, for a quick go to, it serves the purpose. I suppose it's every writer's or communicator's dream to use the right words at the right time. 

Ahh yes. I do have a love for words. Remember that scene in Patch Adams where the elderly woman had the fantasy about being immersed in a pool of spaghetti? That's me. Except, it's not spaghetti - or food of any kind. It's words. I have a fantasy about being immersed in a pool of words. How that would work, or look, exactly, I am not quite sure. Not thinking alphabet soupish, though. No. The words wouldn't be in a liquid. The words would be the liquid; have sufficient molecular density and create the buoyancy needed. And, every so often, I'd string just the right ones together to make the perfect sentence. Then, one perfect sentence after another...

I've experienced the discomfort and comfort of certain words and terms. Words intrigue me as they strut their denotative and connotative meanings. But, they do not scare me. I do understand that given different contexts such as cultural and social ones, the use of certain words - and the words themselves - may carry particular connotations, subliminal messages, subtexts, and the like. Certainly, if I am not around to explain why I used a particular word weighted with a generally-accepted meaning, it would be interpreted using that meaning. My decision not to use a particular word in a piece of writing, as much as I believe it would hit the nail on the head, stems from that consciousness: Would my use of the word signal a shift in conviction or belief? That sort of thing. Given my broughtupsy in a Christian home and as a result of my own Christian walk, there are words that I do not use. It's funny, really. Not funny haha but funny peculiar. The two things I am most passionate about - my walk with Christ, and my writing - have never had me conflicted. Perhaps that is because I see the one - the writing  - as a medium for the more-important other. What has caused some angst, though, is whether I have been brave enough to say what may be unpopular, but what I feel a conviction to say.

That brings me to the title. I love - as in, love - the fact that I can go to God about anything. I pray to Him about any and everything. The other day, someone hurt me. Bad. I went to God in tears. I was angry and I was sad. After weeks had passed, with nothing near forgiveness yet in my heart, I contacted that person. In short, I received what I referred to as a template apology. Y'know the kind that says stteo: "I'm sorry I offended you..." More time passed. I contacted again. This time, my language was stronger as I said how I really felt. I referred to the half-assed apology and went on about how what was done was unbelievable, especially given...everything! Then came the interruption, "I f'd up, and I'm sorry." Well, y'know, I cried. I had to pull into a parking spot - and I cried. Of course, my friends know I do not use that kind of language. But, I accepted it and, dare I say, appreciated the honesty of it very much. It touched me. The choice of word meant that he meant it. And, I knew that that was the sincere apology.

It came to me sometime after, that a person who comes to God desperately seeking His help; to be rescued by Him, and pleads, in brokenness, "Oh God, I f'd up, and I'm sorry," does not turn God off one bit. I believe that if God sees the heart - and He does - He does not recoil from the word, but draws that person closer because of the heart. I believe that, in time, in a new walk with Christ - and with the understanding of the social or cultural or whatever other -al connotation attached - the individual will come to express himself in other words. Yes, God is holy. And, I'm not saying we should all come telling God 'the f word' left right and centre. But, you get what I mean. Plus, English is just one language. People the world over pray to Him in hundreds of other languages. There are many other heartfelt taboo words and expressions in many other languages and He is afraid of none. Anyway, you catch my drift. 

I have a similar feeling about Christians who express their grief on losing a loved one. Years ago, a lady I knew lost her only son in a vehicular accident. It tore her up. Another lady, this one I knew to be a Christian, lost her son after someone shot him. She became angry with God. Grief-stricken, she questioned His goodness; how could He have taken her son? How could He have allowed this? I understand that some persons - including Christians - will say that that is not an appropriate reaction. But, I believe that God is not frightened by our grief. He can see it coming. And, surely, different persons handle grief in different ways. But, for someone who directs her anger to God, He must see it coming, doesn't He? He does not recoil from her harsh words, does He? I believe that as she turns to Him with tears streaming, nose snot running, chest heaving in sobs and hands flailing as she thumps His chest with "How could You?! How could You?!" that He leans in to her and puts His arm around her and, yes, maybe even cries with her. Then, as she weakens under the burden of grief, and becomes too drained to fight, He scoops her up in His arms and carries her.

I am thankful that God sees the heart. And, His ways and thoughts are higher than ours. Just sayin'.


Claudia
www.cyopro.com
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"I'm Not Jamaican Like That"

My youngest sis and I were visiting with relatives and their friends in another city in Ontario some time ago.   Shortly after we had had dinner, a few of them, of Jamaican parentage, announced that they would soon have to leave.  One of them, who had remained reclined in the couch, replied, "No, I'm not Jamaican like that!"  The entire room burst out laughing!  No explanation of the "nyam an go weh" (eat and leave) kind was necessary.  For, it is thought, by many Jamaicans, that that is a behaviour which characterizes many a Jamaican.  It doesn't matter how long the length of time before the meal, as soon as the meal is finished, one can listen for the announcement of pending departure.

Of course, since that afternoon, sis and I use the phrase at every opportune moment to distance ourselves from things - and people - that would be thought to be undeniably Jamaican, but, at the same time, undesirably Jamaican.   "I'm not Jamaican like that" is quite a catchy phrase that accomplishes so much at one go.  It says, to me, at any rate, that the particular act/behaviour is widely-accepted as a distinctly (if not uniquely) Jamaican one.  Also, that the speaker is Jamaican, or of Jamaican heritage, and that he/she is more than willing - would be happy to - associate with other types of Jamaican-esque acts/behaviour.  And, for sure, it implies that it is necessary to make the distinction between "us" who would "never do such a thing" and "them" who "would do such a thing".

Does it sound like we're being selectively Jamaican?  Yes.  I hope so.  In the same way that we as human beings hang our heads in shame, or simply shake our heads in bewilderment, when we hear of a grotesque act committed against another. Well, it's kinda like that.  In Canada, once in a while the media carry a report about some Jamaican guy or another who has been charged with a criminal act, or a fraudulent act, or who has been involved in some kind of nefarious activity. I certainly and absolutely do not wish to be associated with that character!  I am not Jamaican like that!

Given the emphasis on multiculturalism and inclusiveness and diversity, it is generally thought that Canadians are likely not to paint everyone of a particular group (race, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender etc.) with one brush.  But, whether we like it or not, everybody has a prejudice of some kind. And, what is more, some have not taken the time to pinpoint/evaluate their own level of awareness with respect to diversity and inclusion and all that.  That's an important step in the journey toward reducing some prejudices. But, they simply feel what they feel and that is that.

So, one might understand the need for the distinction to be made in certain quarters.  True, so far, I've only used the phrase among family members and friends.  It's used in a jovial, light-hearted way.  Like, finishing a drumstick and then chewing the bone. It's not a bad thing, but, I just don't do it.  Or, arriving late for an event. Again, many have heard the term, "Jamaica time."  But, having lived with my father who would practically be out the door without waiting, I'm punctual.  I've been thinking, though, how soon will I have to utter that phrase, in more public quarters, in an attempt to make a distinction; to clarify that, really, not all Jamaicans are like that?

Come to think of it, there was such an occasion where I had to make a distinction.  (But, I think it was before I had learnt the phrase.)  My colleagues and I were participating in a workshop and the presenter made reference to the intolerance of Jamaicans of homosexuals.  I explained that (1) not all Jamaicans feel that way (given JFLAG and other supportive voices) and (2) I could not be seen as a part of any "gay-hating" crowd - in Jamaica, Canada or wherever.  I have relatives who are homosexuals and they are relatives that I love.  After that session, in other conversations, I reiterated that my Christian convictions and the Word of God points, not to condemning the sinner, but the sin.  And no sin is "worse" than the other.  I'm Christian.  It is what it is. And, it is, mostly, about love.

People from other countries, I believe, would quite easily replace "Jamaican" for their own nationality.  I was honoured to have been invited to the wedding of a friend of mine last month.  But, she warned me, we'll be on Pakistani time.  And, so we were!  A start time of 7:00, ran into 8:30!   Similarly, I - any one of us - could look on in disgust at inhumane behaviour and go, "I'm not human like that."

Of course, I've also used the phrase when the converse applies.  That's when I gladly and readily associate with the triumphs and glory of the country; the people and things of which I can be proud.   Even in the little things, too, like eating Millie or East Indian mangoes and having the juice run down the elbow.

It's the acknowledgment of good home-training (broughtupsy); the recognition of that indomitable and resilient spirit; the ability to "tek bad tings mek laugh".  That is how I grew up in Jamaica and I took the best of my home training, and the best of how I was nurtured in Jamaica, by Jamaicans, to become a citizen of the world - as a former manager put it.  So, I gladly associate with things "desirably Jamaican" and, post-haste decry and dissociate myself from things "undesirably Jamaican."

So, whenever the acts/behaviour are in sync with my own values and beliefs, demonstrated by a Jamaican, or one of Jamaican parentage, then, yes.  If asked, I will say, "I am Jamaican like that."



Claudia
www.cyopro.com
www.twitter.com/cyopro

A private loss

About 12 years ago, the financial institution for which I worked held its annual Long Service Awards function and invited Professor Ralston “Rex” Nettleford to be the guest speaker.

I was hearing him for the first time, in person, and made some notes as he made his delivery. One of the statements that spoke to me was, “We must have a frame of reference upon which to plot the new things that are upon us.”

Even though he might have been referring to a Jamaican national and collective reflecting, situating and progressing, I took it personal. I bear the past in mind, and appreciate, even more, the value of the journey travelled; the accomplishments made and the wisdom and determination needed to go even farther. There’s more. I am also not required to use the standards of “others” to determine whether I am successful. Just one glance at my humble beginnings and I know that I am successful and have come this far by faith in God, ambition, education, hard work and persistence.

I imagine that in life, one is shaped by the people, places, things and ideas that one encounters, is exposed to and embraces. My parents raised us lovingly and with ‘broughtupsy’. Outside of the family circle, however, we must interact with the world. I am happy to have benefited from a wonderful encounter with Professor Nettleford, realizing that the world – certainly, Jamaica – will not be the same without him. So much better are we, though, because he was in it.

Much has been written about him since his passing. Seems there is a genuine effort to wax eloquent, in trying to do justice to Professor Nettleford as a excellent orator. There have been breaking news, editorials, personal experiences and, quite simply but no less eloquent, the quiet mourning and reflection of his personal assistant who "ran his life" for about 26 years: "Prof just gone like that."

I didn’t need to be a student in one of his classes to have learnt quite a bit from this man.

I shall miss him.


Claudia
www.cyopro.com
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