Friday, 8 March 2013

EA and GM of the Universe

"This is God's Executive Assistant and General Manager of the Universe, may I help you?"

"I'd like to speak with God, please?"

"I'm sorry? And you are?"

"Jeff. The guy from 123 Main Street, last house on the right."

"Jeff, there are hundreds of thousands of Main Street on earth. You will have to be more specific."

"But...but I thought He would know exactly which one..."

"Yes, He knows, but, I don't. And I'm the one scheduling the appointment. So, I'd like to know."

"Appointment? Am I not going to get to talk to Him right away?"

"Hahahahahahahaha! You're funny, Jeff. Are you a comedian by profession?

"No, I'm a doct - "

"OK. Really? I'm not interested. I'll file that for another day. In the meantime, no. You won't get to speak with Him right away. There are 574, 671,789 people ahead of you. So, I hope it's not urgent."

"Well, it kinda is. Can't you get me ahead, given the urgency? It's a matter of life and death."

"Yeeeah, that's what they all say - "

"But, it's true!"

"And, they all say that too. And, Jeff? Please don't raise your voice at me. As it is, your prospects aren't looking too good right now. Try not to make it worse. How is the 26th of September?

"Twenty sixth? Are you insane? That's months away! Didn't you hear me? I said it's urgent!"

"Ahhh, of course you did. We'll make that the 30th. Give you a little extra time to cool off..."

"What the...!"


"Hello, this is Rita."

"Hi, Rita. May I speak with God please?"

"And you are?"

"I'm Michael; Michael with the gambling problem?"

"That doesn't help me much, Michael."

"It's me. Michael. The Michael that lost everything to this awful habit and I can't seem to get it under control..."

"Say... what now? Are you crying, Michael?"

"No, no I'm not crying. Just a bit down again, that's all."

"Mhmm! Sure. I can get you in for September 26. How much time will you need?"

"Nothing sooner?"

"Well, you said you've lost everything. Do you have anything left to gamble with, Michael?"

"Umm, no?"

"So, you're good then.  Just wait it out. Time also flies when you're not having fun."

"Okay. Alright. Thank you. I think..."

"What was that?"


"It better be nothing. And, by the way?"


"God's last name isn't dammit. Says right here on your file on page number 897, 347 that you yelled that out the other day when you lost a game."

"Yes, I umm. I admit that - "

"Sorry. I don't take confessions. I was only reminding you."

"Oh, okay. Umm, thanks."


"Hello, this is Rita."

"Hi Rita. This is Thoya."

"How may I help you?"

"I'd like to have a talk with God, please?"

"Hmmm, Thoya?"


"I hate to tell you this but, nothing until October 1."

"Wow. After the last time we spoke, I realized I didn't tell Him some things I really wanted to tell Him."

"And whose fault would that be?  Since we started speaking, 798, 290, 375 people have joined the line. I can't waste time booking a make-up appointment you know. You have to use your time with Him well!"

"But, He enjoys when we talk together!"

"And I take it you think that means He wants to talk to you every day."

"Well, yeah."

"Don't kid yourself, Thoya. You're clearly of the opinion that you mean a lot to Him."

"But, I do."

"Hahaha. Another comedian."


"Not you, dear. Call back on October 1. In the meantime, just make sure you practice your prayer. Don't want to be leaving out anything now, k?"


"Hello this is Rita."

"Salut Rita, c'est François."

"Oh, c'est vous."

"Ahh, vous souvenez de moi!"

"Comment pourrais-je oublier? Vous le problème inhabituel."

"Oui, eh bien, puis-je parler avec Dieu, s'il vous plaît?"

"François, n'est-ce pas un peu fatigué de ce péché avouer cycle?"

"Oui, je le suis. C'est ce que je veux lui parler de."

"Hmm. Bien sûr que si. Encore une fois."**


"Hello, this is Rita."

"Rita, a me man!"

"Me who?"

"A me, Donavan from Jamaica, man!"

"What a gwan Papcaan?"

"Deh ya. Hear wha, mi waa talk to God bout sopm. Tink yuh can gi mi a bligh?"

"Zas Kri...My yute! Yuh nuh deh pon di phone ten second good yet and yuh a beg bligh? Mi have bout 2, 187, 649 people from Jamaica inna di line. A whaa gwan down deh so?"

"Rita my girl, is a long story, zi mi. Dem a tax out wi daylight; a tax patty; a tax church; a tax phone card; a tax tax...hundred dollar phone card a cost bout one sixty or one eighty now... Crime gone up; hopes gone dung..."

"But dis serious!"

"Den nuh dat mi a try tell yuh! Whe yuh can do fi mi?"

"Mi a bump smaddy. Hol di line."

"Respec my girl."

"Easy my yute."


And so it goes in this hypothetical scenario. People the world over wanting to talk to God but having to pass through an Executive Assistant. Of course, as this scenario goes, He would approach Rita's desk and lovingly tell her to put everybody's call through. 


"Everybody. I'll take them all at once. I got this."

I'm particularly happy that God, the Creator and Sustainer of Heaven and Earth takes time to hear me when I call; to commune with me; to love me as if I were the only person on earth to be loved.

As I thought about the end to that scenario, I remembered a funny and true story from long ago. One of my co-workers was telling us what happened during her cab ride home the night before. She said calls kept coming in from base (dispatch) for the cabbie to pick up folks at one address then another then another. He was a great cabbie and customers were asking for him by name. At about the third or fourth request, he answered, "Base? Tell di whole a dem seh mi a come!" Lol! 

Yes, at any time, He has time for all who turn to Him. And, (thankfully) there's no EA. He's got this.

(**via Google Translate.)



  1. Beautiful Claudia, really captivating and inspiring. I really look forward to the next blog.