Thursday, 28 August 2008

A New Thing


PT. 1

They say I must situate myself in my Thirty-something.
It's The Haunting.
It has to be.
The feeling that I'm waiting on my life to start beyond Thirty-something.
Call it now, Close-to-Forty.
For that is nearer truth.
That is truth, actually.

The feeling cripples me.
Makes me want to go out and do things.
Things I know I can do
But won't do
For The Haunting takes over.
Too late, it says. Too

Too too late.
So, why start?
And I get lost
In the lie.
It is a lie
But, it’s now familiar.

The familiar, Haunting
Overwhelming no.

That haunting, familiar, lie and no
Has become
Almost home
But not.

It's comfortable not to move.
It's comfortable to under-achieve
While always seeming to overreach -
What was that about o'erleaping ambition?

I don't want this to be my home.
I do not want to live here.
Get me something else that is not familiar,
Not so familiar.
(No one will hand it to me.)

I will get me something else
That is
The unfamiliar

I can't

Beyond my wildest and most vivid imagination.

I mightn't recognize the Me I'll come to be
I'll be out of the reach of
The Haunting.
I'll be out of the reach of voices that pretend to wrap me in comfort,
But whisper only lies;
But tell me only no.

And out of their reach
I'll fly
Thirty-something, maybe even
Light years

PT. 2

It's The Haunting
You know.
You have to reach down
Deep down
Deeper still…
Deeper yet
Just a little more

That's it.
That's where honesty
The truth that only you know
Beyond all doubt.
This is what you know in your heart
To be so.

No one else knows.

Truth is hidden
Truth is ugly
Truth is

I'm scared to death!
I'm so afraid of failing
At that which
I believe I would do best.
That which could not be done by any other
As well as it could be done by me.
It is only mine to do
It is unique to me.

It's The Haunting.
It has to be.

How could I possibly fail
At that which is uniquely mine to do?

I don't know how -
I just can't seem to get past
That I will.

And, what is more
I don't want it bad enough.
I need to want it

I want to want it bad
My want has to become
Something stronger -
A need.

A need to want it like I want nothing else.
A need to want it like
It's the only thing I've ever wanted in my life.
The only thing I want to do with my life.
The only thing that is my life.

Begin to believe
That I can reach down,
Way down past
The twice-defeated
The honesty
And The Haunting
And the truth
That now is.

Touch a tri-mass of
Love and life and laughter.
Inspire me.
(Sometimes you just need to be

My fingertips have touched it.
I'm wrapping my hands around it.
I'm holding tightly to it
Squeezing the life out of it;
Squeezing my life out of it.

And I find myself
Where I want to be,
(Where I need to be,